We created the collection RX-NO SHAME because people shouldn't feel shame giving their bodies what they need.
"I assure you, figuring out the astronaut curiosity, seems easier than picking a meal."
Living with ADHD feels like you're simultaneously doing everything at once and nothing at all. Your head is filled with so many ideas and things you want to get done, but the moment you start something I immediately think of something else to do or get distracted to a point my focus moves on by something I was trying to accomplish. It’s astonishing to me how I am able to retain so much information and forget simple things daily. I knew exactly where my mother’s purse was today because I remembered seeing it for a split second the other day, but can’t remember where I put my keys. My life is a constant dichotomy of feeling happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy because I’m awesome but I’m sad because I’m fucking so frustrated. Making decisions is beyond difficult. I’ll be trying to choose something from a menu at a restaurant (feeling overwhelmed by too many options usually), and randomly decided that this is an appropriate time to figure out how I can become an astronaut. I assure you, figuring out the astronaut curiosity, seems easier than picking a meal.
"It’s then I realized that I needed to seek treatment for ADHD"
I recently joined an ADHA support group and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel alone or confused. Things I struggled with that at most times were perceived as lazy or incompetent, were common characteristics of ADHD. Reading through posts from people, I noticed so many similarities that they too have struggled with. It’s then I realized that I needed to seek treatment for ADHD. I was not alone. This is something that can be beneficial for me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 16 years old, however, as like most teenagers I was emotional and showing signs of depression. Because my father has bipolar disorder, they felt I should be put on anti-depressants. I spent 15 years in a constant struggle with not feeling better. I actually felt worse but I was told I was bipolar so I thought I just didn’t have the right pill. 3 years ago I decided that I was going off anti-depressants. I hadn’t felt what my brain truly felt like in over a decade and how can I know what my issues are if I don’t know. Plus your brain changes from 17 to 30.
"I felt like I could take a real breath for the first time"
I needed to know exactly what my issues were. The first 2 months without meds was a bit weird. It was like my brain had to decipher a different way of perceiving reality. After 4 months, I felt like I could take a real breath for the first time. I stopped excessively crying, my mood swings were gone and for the first time since I was a teenager I was able to look myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted. In the 3 years that followed, I found that I grew emotionally and maturely. Please understand, that I was in my 30’s before I was capable of maturing. This makes me feel very behind. I have a lot to make up for. I decided after a year that I would not go back on any medication unless I absolutely had too. I thought hey I can handle this. This year, with the aid of my support group, I decided to go back on medication but for the proper diagnosis. I was never depressed! This decision turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. I know look in my mirror with pride. I finally love who I am, I just hate things that I do. It’s easier to just stick your head in the sand and ADHD brain will flake. It feels as if I have two consciousness’ going on different angels, trying to make a single cohesive thought. It’s hilarious and frustrating.
I was constantly anxious. It truly felt like anxiety was in my muscles and blood. Bipolar and ADHD can be misdiagnosed for similar perceived symptoms, but now that I am on ADHD meds, I feel minor (probably normal levels of unavoidable human anxiety). Key word, minor. That constant flow of never ending anxiety is gone. I woke up one day and decided that I did need some help but I wanted to know how to properly express how I was feeling. That’s how I found the support group. I was able to use terminology other people were using to finally label my feelings that I struggled to explain for years. If I hadn’t gone to my doctor a mere 30 days before quarantine, I’m not sure I’d be doing so well mentally.
I have more work to do but thankfully waking up that one day and admitting that what I am doing isn’t working, turned my life in a direction where I have a good chance of finally thriving.
A planet with over 7 billion people can feel like the loneliest place. There are people out there, strangers or friends that have open ears and minds, who will support you.
Cheers, love and happiness
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I know I am not the only one who has had a lifelong struggle with feeling comfortable in their skin. I know some of us can remember the exact moment when the world shifted from blissful ignorance to crippling insecurities. At least I can.